PTSD

When Silas was 6 months old, he died.

He was in the bath tub playing with his toys when I noticed he wasn't breathing, started turning purple and slumped over. I immediately screamed for Dev (my lover/ husband), So he rushed in, yanked him out of the tub, took him to the front room and started doing CPR. Nothing. It had been around 10 seconds. I started dialing 911. And everything slowed down. 11...12...13... His skin had turned a sick bluish grey color now. 14..15.. His eyes relaxed and stopped..16.. His mouth went slack and his tongue is partially out. 17..."911 what's your emergency?" hysterically crying "My baby's not breathing!" 18...he's dying...19...I could hardly get my address out. ..My baby is dying...20...and that's when I felt it.

Something happens to you when you accept the truth that someone you loved more than life itself, has died. 21...And I felt it. It was the feeling of that heart I had grown specifically for him, dying...22... He was dead..23... And so was part of me....24...this can't be real... 25....no...26...No ...27...NO!!!!...28... I can't...29.. Dev was still trying to get him to breathe..30...

 In desperation Dev called out to God and begged for him to start breathing again...31...32... 33...Did I just see that????...34...his chest rose the tiniest fraction of an inch... And again...and again... They weren't huge gasps but it was oxygen. Flowing to his lungs. He was alive. "OH MY GOD! MY GOD! THANK YOU GOD! HE'S ALIVE!!!!

Everything after that was a blur. We went to the hospital. They couldn't find anything wrong with him. They would have labeled it as an extreme breathe holding spell. But there was no trigger. So at a loss they diagnosed it as an Apparent Life Threatening Event. (ALTE) Very rare. No known causes. Basically your baby dies, and then comes back to life. But your heart that died with them doesn't...

For the next month or so things were back to normal. Except they weren't. I started having these "episodes" where I would suddenly FREAK OUT. It was similar to the hulk transformation. Literally. I'd start shaking and feel the monster taking over. Then I'd lose it. I'd start going crazy. I didn't destroy things the same way. But I was dangerous to be around. And then once my adrenaline had run it's course, I'd basically collapse in exhaustion. I felt sick. Possessed. Like I was being suffocated and some demon that had infected me was taking control and wreaking havoc.

I was diagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). My trigger was Silas' whine. He was 6 months old you guys. Plus he just started teething.... He WHINED ALL THE TIME. I was having these episodes several times a day.

 This became a major problem. I was dangerous. Feeling psychotic. Massively suicidal. My adrenals were shutting down and I was sinking into depression fast.

I lived (not really) like this for a year. When I came to the realization that I wasn't safe. Silas wasn't safe. I had grown to resent him. I hated being a mom and I couldn't live like this anymore. With tears rolling down my cheeks I told my husband I needed to leave. 

Dev. My Dev. He was my rock. My lifeline. The only thing that kept me breathing during this time. How could I leave this man that I loved so much? He was my everything. I couldn't imagine life without his constant support. I would crumble. But what choice did I have? I was like an uncontrollably beast when I was triggered. And he wasn't there most of the time when it happened. He knew it too. He had seen it happen a few times and knew I wasn't Ok either. So in the saddest, defeated tone he said "Ok. But Heidi... before you leave me, will you try just one more thing?" Exhausted and with tears rolling down my cheeks, I responded "Yes...of course."

He told me he wanted me to get a gym membership. He knew I needed time away from Silas to heal and he wasn't old enough for preschool. But the gym would care for babies for up to 2 hrs a day. So I agreed. That day I went and signed up.

The class that was available was a yoga class. Oh my goodness... You guys. I had forgotten what peace felt like. I had forgotten what I felt like. It was the first time I felt a complete removal of the monster inside. I felt the first few beats of the heart that had died a year previous. I felt alive and I felt hope. I started my path to healing that day. Yoga literally saved my life. It brought me to a place of safety to be able to find a way to heal my PTSD. Which I did.

And now It's my passion and my love to bring this same healing to others.